church.

today. we went to church.
it was much different experience than I expected it to be.
Cai went to godly play. Max to the nursery with Tim. Gracie stayed with Me, in church.

almost immediately a gal I knew, turned to me and shared some very deep sad news... the kind of news that brings tears to both the bearer of news and the hearer...

I half listened to our pastor invite us to spend a few moments discussing our favorite story from Acts... as this gal shared she had 10 minutes before she had to head home... and asked if I had to be on medications for life...

I am a fixer. I love problem solving. I love digging my heals in, rolling my sleeves up... and getting to work... emotionally speaking... or otherwise...

However, sometimes I forget to listen. This morning, I wanted to talk more... but I desperately tried to speak little and listen more... I tried to listen to what was said... and what was unsaid...

I found myself trying to remember what it was like when I was in her shoes...
Remembering what it was like to feel completely hopeless... completely at my end... completely done with life... and helpless to do anything about it... to make it better...

I really hate the bottom of my depression. I despise it because it feels like it will never end, like there's nothing I can do to shake it... Like I will always be stuck. Behind schedule on projects, on baby books, on making dinner, on getting dressed, on losing weight... you name it... I feel stuck with it...

And so... I do what I know works for me...

I focus on reaching out (asking for help), getting good sleep, eating well & exercising (alot).
And when that isn't enough... I am forced to give myself some grace...

To allow myself to just be.

unshowered.
40+ pounds overweight.
dirty dishes filling...correction. overflowing the sink.
laundry washed to everywhere.
car filled with stuff.
unbathed kids.
refrigerator nearly empty.

just be...

and it's hard... cause I fear judgement... I fear feeling behind schedule... I hear shoulda's echoing... I should be skinner & stronger by now... I should have a working routine by now...
soo much.... echos...

and then this is where I typically hear what I believe to be God's voice... saying Sarah, just be for a little bit... slow down... embrace what you see & hear... enjoy the finches on your fence... your children begging for more food... the ability to drive places... to speak... to hear... to think...

and this is about the time I start to feel a little bit better... when I stop & breath...